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Even though Mother’s Day is a fabricated Hallmark holiday, it can trigger many emotions because it emphasizes moms, an integral fabric of the nuclear family unit.
In 2013, I wrote a scathing column for The Atlantic about how Mother’s Day was stupid because the inventor of the holiday herself ultimately wanted to disown it and because it sets such high expectations for men, children and others to celebrate.
Some of that holds true, but now that I’ve been parenting for another 11 years – and still have many more to go – I’ve come to a better understanding of why the holiday has always gotten under my skin.
About a third of moms say being a mom is the most important part of who she is. It’s full of joy and happy moments, but it’s a lot of work. It’s often more work than she and anyone else in her life realizes. Most moms just want the children and the adults in their lives to see this and appreciate it. Let me tell you why.
The early years are harder − and better − than most moms expect
For many women, becoming a mom is a dream, even a goal. Before they become a mom, they think about their children, how they will raise them and what kind of woman they will be to these little people.
The infant and toddler years are often harder than many women expect, even if they’re also full of joy. I’ve joked that when I had four children under 6 years old, I went about a decade without sleeping – and now my teenagers keep me up late talking! (It’s a good problem to have.)
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For any woman looking forward to being a mom, as I was, this dichotomy of exhaustion and joy, physical demands and nurturing one’s own babies is startling at first and hard to embrace.
Most people, even fathers − although admittedly, this is a broad generalization − do not understand the toll that sleep deprivation has on moms, let alone appreciate it. Or acknowledge it. Frankly, it’s expected. Someone has to get up in the middle of the night with the baby, right? Often, it’s moms.
The middle years are full of tons of invisible labor
As children age, from about 4 to 12, they become a bit easier. This magical season is full of make-believe, fun, play and joy. They still think you are everything. They seem so pure.
But there’s a mountain of invisible labor involved. Sure, kids sleep through the night now, but endless choices present themselves.
What about school? Private, public, or homeschool? Sports? Music? Other activities? Who will register them, pay fees, take them and ensure the child practices? This is on top of doctor and dentist visits, clothing and shoes needed, haircuts, dates with friends, free play outside, hydration, spiritual formation and quality time with loved ones.
These are the formative years, and moms know it. Sometimes, only moms know this. Dads or other loved ones see their kid’s development or activities and often don’t make the connection that the child is in practice, for example, because mom made sure to get him there.
This is especially true as more moms have entered the workforce, whether because they want to or because circumstances demand it.
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About 56% of moms work, and almost half of women surveyed in a 2022 Pew Research Center poll said parenting was tiring most of the time. More than a third said parenting was stressful most of the time. Dads reported being significantly less tired and stressed.
Almost 80% of moms say they do more to manage their child’s schedule, compared with 54% of dads.
Mostly, moms want to be appreciated for what they do
The mental load of parenting that moms tend to carry doesn’t lighten as the kids enter the teen years, even though moms might think so. The physicality of raising children lessens − everyone is sleeping through the night! − but it shifts to emotional labor that can take parents off guard. I always looked forward to my kids’ teen years because I know my strengths as a parent are in deep conversations and challenging ideas, but the weight of these years and their near independence is heavier than I thought.
This can be an unforeseen challenge for moms who still working to juggle the invisible labor and mental load of the adolescent years.
Teens present an entirely different set of challenges and joy. They’re sarcastic and insecure, but they still love to laugh and hug. They don’t want you, but they need you. They’re kids in big bodies, and something about this is endearing, exciting and terrifying. They can now also have wonderfully complex, exciting, interesting conversations about real life. Their choices have real-world consequences, some of them huge.
This can be uncomfortable yet rewarding. The goal was to raise independent, kind, wise young adults, wasn’t it?
Especially in this stage, even as the teen morphs into a quasi-adult, mom still facilitates homework, sports and music practices. Now, she’s also handling college applications, driver’s training and licenses, car purchasing, broken hearts and flaring tempers. She’s more of an Uber, therapist and chef some days than the mom who once pushed her kids on the swings for hours, but it’s still what she loves and with the people she loves most. (Dads do a lot of this too! But this column is about moms.)
Teens especially have difficulty seeing how much mom does because it is so expected, and she’s been so consistent. What would change now?
The days are full of mundane faithfulness, tasks like making dinner and making sure they brush their teeth to gargantuan things like discussing God, college and your kid’s broken hearts. From changing a diaper or cleaning up vomit to giving them a phone and watching them pull out of the driveway for the first time, only a mother knows the unseen, literally invisible, things she has done to love this child, to ensure her baby grows up to be happy, healthy and successful.
This is why, while many moms want a day at the spa, a nice brunch or some gorgeous flowers, one day a year of appreciation doesn’t seem to scratch the surface. It’s not that moms are greedy or have a victim mentality. They just know what has gone into raising their babies.
She remembers the sleepless nights, the late trips to the store, the early practices, and the middle-of-the-night illnesses. When her child needs her, she’s there. In fact, she’s there well before her children know what they need.
She loves doing this and being a mom. But she wants to be seen, heard and appreciated more than one day a year.
Nicole Russell is an opinion columnist with USA TODAY. She lives in Texas with her four kids.
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